THEY TOIL A LOT, AND, BOY, DO THEY SPIN, THE COMPANY SPOKESPEOPLE WHO TURN THE ALPHABET INTO PEA-SOUP FOG. HERE’S A LOOK AT WHAT SPINMEISTERS SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY TUBEROUS EDIBLE PRODUCT

Like Kremlinologists who had to sift through official Soviet Union doublespeak to find the real news, sometimes you have to look for hidden meanings in press releases and stock-touting sites. Here’s a tutorial to help translate “companyspeak.” Excerpts are drawn from actual press releases and other disclosures.

They say:

(From Procter & Gamble: ) The softness in (sales) volume was caused by a number of factors, most notably pricing, as competition has lagged behind the Company in the implementation of price increases in tissue and towel and laundry.

They mean:

We don’t think it’s our fault we lost sales because we made the mistake of raising prices. It’s our competitors’ fault for not raising their prices, too.

They say:

(From the Future Superstock’s “Biographies of Key Management” for SJI Group: ) J.D. Jenkins — director, chief executive officer, president, secretary — Mr. Jenkins was elected chairman, chief executive officer, president, and secretary of the company on March 4, 1998, following the acquisition by the company of SJI Wholesale, of which he was sole shareholder. Since April 1992, Mr. Jenkins has been chairman and president of SJI Wholesale. J.D. Jenkins is the son of Ron Jenkins.

Ron Jenkins — Director — Mr. Ron Jenkins was elected a director of the company on March 4, 1998, following the acquisition by the company of SJI Wholesale. Since October 1996, Mr. Jenkins has been a vice president of SJI Wholesale. Ron Jenkins is the father of J.D. Jenkins.

They mean:

There’s not a lot we want to tell you about key management.

They say:

Cupertino, Calif. — Apple Computer today announced profits of $55 million and diluted earnings per share of $0.38 for its second fiscal quarter ending March 27, 1998, up from a loss of $708 million, or $5.64 a share, in the prior year quarter. The company’s net loss in the prior year quarter was $178 million exclusive of non-recurring charges.

They mean:

We’d much rather talk about our profits than our falling sales.

They say:

Richmond, Calif. — April 23, 1998 — Pixar Animation Studios today announced financial results for the first quarter of 1998.

They mean:

The reason we’re not leading off with anything specific is that we don’t have much good news to report. Brace yourselves.

They say:

Station Casinos Inc. reported net revenues for the quarter ended March 31, 1998, of $204.8 million, a 16 percent increase over the prior year’s quarter. Earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization (Ebitda) increased 25 percent to $46.8 million when adjusted for $2.1 million in rents attributable to equipment operating leases at Sunset Station, which are expected to be refinanced, compared to $37.4 million in the prior year. The increase in net revenues and cash flows reflect the incremental results of Sunset Station, which opened in June 1997, and continued strong results of the Company’s Nevada operations.

They mean:

Boy, we really don’t want to talk about our losses.

They say:

(Motorola CEO Christopher) Galvin said, “Motorola will focus on two powerful propositions going forward. First, Motorola will create the WINGS for businesses and consumers so they can take their worlds with them. Second, we will embed our ideas and technology along with our customers’ in order to create everyday miracles. We call this Digital DNA from Motorola.”

They mean:

We are taking a $1.95 billion charge this quarter and we’re cutting 10% of our workforce over the next year. Earnings will be well below Wall Street’s expectations. But we have faith in buzzwords that people outside the company might not understand.

George Mannes is a reporter for TheStreet.com, an online news service (www.thestreet.com) that first published this article.