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Cash for investment clunkers: A modest proposal

Here's a way to fix the moon-sized craters in investors' retirement portfolios: adapt the government's “cash for clunkers” program to investments.

Here’s a way to fix the moon-sized craters in investors’ retirement portfolios: adapt the government’s “cash for clunkers” program to investments.

In addition to a government stipend of $4,500 for each Buick Behemoth or Chrysler Colossus we trade in, let the feds hand out $4,500 for every IRA that’s gone down the tubes.

Sure, adding $4,500 to a retirement account probably wouldn’t change anyone’s life, but it couldn’t hurt.

Come to think of it, $4,500 really isn’t enough. Let’s make the “incentive” $10,000, or maybe $20,000.

While we’re at it, why not have the government give us $100,000, like Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. insurance?

Regardless of the dollar amount Congress finally settles on, it’s important that the government bail out our retirement accounts because it would generate enormous economic confidence and make us feel better.

Since feeling better is the key reason we should go forward with what I would call the “Rebuild Our Retirement” program, let me shoot down the two principal reasons for not proceeding with this great plan.

First, many would argue that it would increase the nation’s debt.

Puh-leese.

Worrying about debt is as ridiculous and as passé as worrying about finding the right typewriter ribbon. Debt is good, and more debt is better. Americans are great at debt. There’s no reason whatsoever to worry about more red ink when we’re swimming in oceans of it already. What’s a few extra trillion dollars?

Second, there are those quaint Ayn Rand/Barry Goldwater types who wring their hands over the growth of the government.

Oh, come on, I thought we’ve outgrown such provincialism.

Bigger is always better, and that goes for the size of government and government spending.

Republicans and Democrats alike always try to rationalize spending by saying that they’re using our taxpayer dollars prudently or “investing in the future.”

Stop the charade, you Washington phonies.

Spend our dough — and the gazillions we’ve sucked in from the Chinese — with gusto.

Think of government spending like the size of the Coca-Colas at McDonald’s.

If 42 ounces is good, 84 ounces is better!

Spending is what Americans do best, so if the public is strapped, it’s time for the government to step in spend for us.

In addition to restoring our retirement portfolios, the government should rebuild all our infrastructure, give every kid a college education, pick up the tab for our health care, train the unemployed and employ the untrainable, and then send us all on three-week vacations to the mountains or the beach.

We’d all feel better if our needs were met.

And after all, what kind of American would you be if you didn’t believe in feeling good?