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MONDAY MORNING: Predictions to live by until the world ends

I often find myself gaping in disbelief at stock market predictions and economic forecasts. This isn’t just because…

I often find myself gaping in disbelief at stock market predictions and economic forecasts.

This isn’t just because I read about them in newspapers. Rather, I can’t help but wonder exactly what data these analysts use, considering their views are so varied.

In fact, I think some of them secretly mix in data from Mozambique or the Ming Dynasty.

Well, after recently spending an unprecedented five minutes in deep thought, I figured out the secret: Forecasting is simply a sport, much like skeet shooting. Toss your predictions out there and see if anyone blasts them into a million pieces.

Whether that happens or not, you still get your name in print. Then, if by some stroke of luck you are right, you gain overnight fame and fortune, and all of your peers get to watch you make a fool of yourself on CNBC.

So, given my affinity for sports that don’t involve being bulldozed by 300-pound linemen, I’ve decided to try my hand at it.

Seeing my name in print is the easy part. With any luck, fame and fortune will soon follow.

Here are my predictions for the remaining three months of the year, based on astute observations made while taking heavy doses of cold medicine:

Following the lead of other U.S. corporations, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates will sell his company to a Swiss bank. His statement to the Justice Department: “Ha ha ha ha.”

Out of cash, Amazon.com will exit the online book business and merge with the World Wrestling Federation. Keeping with the jungle theme, Amazon CEO Jeffrey Bezos will adopt the ring name “Tarzan.”

Following an outcry from Wall Street, the Securities and Exchange Commission will propose Regulation NM (for “never mind”), which will void Regulation FD (for “fair disclosure.”

Under pressure from the European financial community, Wall Street will be renamed Rue de Euro.

Oil stocks will hit new highs as gasoline reaches $6,379 a gallon. In an effort to fix the root of the problem, protesters will blow up all of Saudi Arabia.

Executives at Time Warner and America Online will breathe a sigh of relief as critics turn their attention to the proposed merger of Disney and Playboy.com.

Tired of being an afterthought in the global investing world, Canada will invade South Dakota and open its own stock exchange in Sturgis, forcing the town’s annual motorcycle rally to relocate.

With inflation suddenly appearing from nowhere, the November election will move to December so the Federal Reserve can raise interest rates this week without being lambasted for doing it close to a presidential election.

After running out of money Nov. 7, Al Gore and George W. Bush will suffer a stunning defeat by Green Party presidential nominee Ralph Nader in the December election.

Nader will tearfully thank Wall Street for believing in his plan, to be announced in November, to invest ALL of the Social Security Trust Fund in stocks.

And finally, Dec. 31 at midnight, the world will end as computers everywhere self-destruct because the new millennium doesn’t really start until 2001.

Well, folks, those are my predictions. Of course, since I want people to be around Jan. 1 to acknowledge my brilliance, I actually hope the last one doesn’t come true.

Like most prognosticators, I can’t possibly be that good at this.